break my heart for what breaks yours

Hello 🙂 this week has been amazing so far. my spirit has been so joyful for the past few days. The reason is because I have officially decided to rededicate my life to god on Wednesday.

Classes started this week and the topic for this week and on Monday we had pastor tex talk. Haha he spent most of his time introducing us to Hawaii and stuff. Before class we had morning campus worship at ohana court and it was amazing. The atmosphere was awesome and I really loved the lyrics “Im so done with letting emotions dictate how I worship my Jesus”. There was auditions in the afternoon Soo I won’t say it was really fun cuz I was extremely shy even when I sang omg it was horrible and like dancing was horrible I can’t dance bro… LOL

So Tuesday, we have intercession @ prayer room and i learnt how interesting intercession is and I am officially fired from boring prayers!!! I’ve been so sick of boring prayers I’m so happy it doesn’t have to stay that way. Praying can actually be so exciting and like you get to talk to god and listen to what he wants to put into your heart. There have been so much advice and Christian perspectives that I have forgotten or never really understood and things are getting clearer and Im so happy for that. The truth WILL set me free indeed :’) anyway pastor Koa preached in class that day and he talked about humbling ourselves and serving others. He emphasised how REAL god is and because of Jesus’ obedience on the cross it allows us all to be triumphant over sin and death. Honestly now I understand how real god really is and how (omg people distracted me and I forgot what I wanted to say-___-) oh I rmb I think I wanted to say God is really in control of my life and IF HE IS FOR ME WHO IS AGAINST ME I really don’t have to worry because I know he is in charge of my life he will take care of everything I am just his servant here to obey him and be used by him to share about him to the lost and broken.
Anyway, i now understand bad things happen because of adam’s sin that allowed satan to enter and sin+death to come.
I realised how much I’ve been focusing only on my needs and selfishly caring for my benefits only. But this is society’s mentality: it’s all about ME. I really suddenly realise how selfish I have been and I have questioned Christianity regarding This because in chc back home they always tell us to like give money so that god will bless us tenfold thousandfold and I’m just like HUH? So ultimately were doing this so we could be blessed even more? But no…. I want to put the focus back on him, he died for me and loves me so much his grace is sufficient. It’s only right that I love him back.

It’s not about “Jesus take the wheel” because am I doing anything at all in the passenger seat?

It’s more about Jesus is in the car in front of me, bringing me to the destination and I’m the car behind him, following Jesus. Driving after his car, keeping his word at the forefront, I may be driving through sketchy areas or deserted places and wondering where I am but I still follow him because he is the only one that knows the way to my destination so I don’t lose sight of him, don’t lose sight of the bigger picture, the destination. Similarly, even in the midst of storms/trials there will still be peace because I trust him and where he is taking me ultimately.
Pastor Koa also brought up about being accountable to the words of my mouth. It is something I really must start exercising. Stefanie has told me that before and I really think I talk without thinking.
He also talked about surrounding yourself with Christian friends, not nerds or people with no life but Christian friends. It really woke me up about how I should not drag myself down with bad influence.
I will trust in god with ALL of my heart and lean not on my own understanding. All this while I’ve really believed in my own strength and will and I’ve been failing and feeling so weak. Now I know it’s because I’ve never trusted god, I’ve always thought I could do all things but it’s THROUGH CHRIST that I can do all things.
Another point was about guarding my speech. I know this wont be easy for me but I hate sin thus I really will make an effort to guard my speech. I can either build/edify someone or destroy them. And I must admit I’ve been such a mean person I’ll call people insignificant/dogs/and just destroy people’s spirits to make myself better. But God loves them just the same and Im so sorry to all that I have hurt/cursed. It’s about making god known, not about me.
Another point that spoke to me what about how apologies have been so common to be simply a “I’m sorry” but we always continue life the way we want it to an keep repeating the same mistakes and simply apologise again. Jesus loves me and he is forgiving but that doesn’t mean I can do whatever I want because it’s taking him for granted although he does say his grace is sufficient but I really don’t want Jesus to experience that hurt again. And I can’t fool god but he really is ALWAYS THERE with me. So next time if I have sinned I should instead apologise and repent. That I’m sorry and I will NEVER do that again.
Mmm that’s about it. Pastor koas preaching really spoke to my life and it was so relevant I’m happy because the truth is setting me free 🙂
We had altar call and I decided to rededicate my life and when Maria prayed for me god really touched me and tears just flowed out and i couldn’t control it all. My spirit felt so joyful after class. We had class in the evening and this week evening classes are just for everyone in PADTS to share their testimony/life story. And it was crazy the things that happened to people. If you looked at that person you would have never guessed about their stories/past. Wow. Maria’s life story was pretty crazy. Anyway I won’t talk about their stories or testimonies maybe another time. I have so much to talk about.

Btw I’m so thankful I have one of the slacker work duties!!!!! So everyone has a work duty and we need to dedicate 2hrs to it everyday. But I got assigned to hospitality and only one person is assigned to that ^^ and it’s super easy I gotta set up the plates tables etc for break time for class in the morning. (Omg at this moment I’m listening to hillsong and the songs are touching me even right now….) Anyway so I gotta make the coffee too. Then after class just clean everything up. The majority of PADTS got weekend duties which is damn sad cuz like its the weekend!!!! Cuz apparently during the week well be too busy for work duty. But weekend duties for them is alternate weeks.

Wednesday, skipped breakfast to sleep in. HAHA. Then 730 reported for work duty^^ I took like 15mins to set up everything and I was done^^ then we had group bible reading so Stephanie, Rachel, Hyunah and mirjam were in my group and we went to banyan tree cafe to read the bible. Our task was to read genesis chapter 1-20. We only had an hour so we stopped at chapter 13. After that was class. Maria Jackson our PADTS leader talked about fear of The Lord and hearing gods voice.
This is what I learnt:
– That the fear of The Lord was simply to hate evil. (Proverbs 8:13)
The different between pride and confidence is that confidence comes from god but pride is not.
True humility is when we acknowledge gods work in you and you lower yourself to serve/love/share about god.
Pride is a mindset and arrogance is more of actions putting people down.

God humbling himself/limiting himself to answer our prayers is humility.

– Fear of The Lord is the beginning of knowledge (proverbs 1:7)
Reading the bible will give you wisdom and discipline.

I also learnt not to take wisdom from the world but to take wisdom from God.
(Worldview vs biblical view)
So at the end of class we asked god why we do what we do and what was some of our world views that drove our actions like how we dressed or our likes and dislikes or how we dress. And we wrote it down on a piece of paper. At the end each of us threw the paper into a bucket and rebuked the greatest fear we had and chose to only fear god and In the name of jesus i rebuked the fear of man.

My fears were:
1) fear of man
2) fear of loneliness
3) fear of deprivation
4) fear of being forgotten/excluded
5) fear of being disliked

BUT I’VE REBUKED THEM ALL AND THE ONLY FEAR I HAVE IS THE FEAR OF GOD.

Mmmm chilled at the balcony after lunch then went for INSANITY the crazy cardio workout. It was insaneeee. I woke up aching all over HAHAH. It’s like this DVD they play it EERYDAY in the dance studio at 5pm and it’s really insane. So testimony evening class again same same.

But that night, around 845pm, Carly my roommate ran into the room and was crying her eyes out. She started saying how she wanted to go home and she just hates her life and her heads in a mess and she was at the balcony just staring down and How tempted she was to jump and she was so close to cutting herself again. (Btw I hid the knives now) and how she wants to have sex again her mind is just in an absolute mess…. Jasmine, kaori, Gaby and Rebecca we prayed for her and comforted her and The Lord just showed me how heart broken he was for her and how much he loved her and it really broke my heart too and tears just kept flowing down my cheeks. God really loved her so much and he was so heartbroken for her. We called some of the staff to take care of the situation as suicidal is very serious and so they went out an prayed/talked to her. In the mean time, gee ha came back and we decide to cleanse the room and pray for her. So we prayed and sang and pushed on and we felt at peace. That night when she came back we were all laughing and having a good time. And Carly had good sleep while the rest of us stayed up talking in the common room till 1am. That was the moment when I felt closer to my roommates. Also, I felt god was showing me how much he was hurting and heartbroken when I did or said things that did not please him. And I just feel like I never want to hurt him again. I want to please him and serve him.

So we had worship in the prayer room this morning and some of us got our hands taped together like cuffed up and I was one of the unlucky ones 😥 HAHA but it was fun. We prayed for justice regarding sex traffickers. So we prayed for the victims and that was when I had to hold my hands up and christa prayed for me. Then we also prayed for the perpetrators. And we talked about how the difference that we want in this world always starts from ourselves. So like what if all this sex trafficking is the second biggest crime industry because of us, because we are the ones watching and because of the high demand, there must be a high supply. Oh something amazing was that the night before I was thinking about the lyrics “break my heart for what breaks yours” because of what happened last night when god really touched me. And today of all worship songs we sang worthy of it all and hosanna!!! I was like wow… God… U are amazing.

We joined the class with family DTS where david Hamilton talked about eradicating bible poverty personally but I was falling asleep lol but after break I paid attention and got the impt stuff. The steps of eradicating bible poverty personally are:

1) read the bible
2) read whole books
3) read out loud
4) read the bible together

Mmm and after lunch we had acting overview and stuff I can’t act man it’s so awkward lol.

Yeah so anyway overall I can feel God is working in me right now and I am so excited for the future encounters and revelations I will get from him. I feel so overwhelmed with everything in a good way and I’ve never been this at peace before. Wow :’) so pumped for what’s to come :””)

xo

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